In the Women of Earth Lab, end of June, I crossed the line from Patriarchy to Archiarchy and freed myself from the pressure of meritocracy, the pressure I put on myself in many situations in life. In my new culture, I live at my own pace and rhythm.

Two days after the lab, I experienced pain in my left shoulder blade that radiated into my left arm, as well as numbness in my left index finger and a loss of strength in my left arm. The pain in my left shoulder blade was so excruciating that I could not find a position where I could sleep at night and this pain persisted.

This old concept of mine no longer works. During a Feelings Practitioner Coaching with Dagmar Thürnagel, it came out that the first time I felt this pain was when I wa

At the time, I was in conflict and wanted to give up my studies and just be a mum. The pressure of expectations around me from my husband, parents, parents-in-law and also within myself were so high that I made the decision to bow to them and grit my teeth, shoulder the burden of bringing up children, having a career, being a good wife etc. and adapt. I didn't know any alternative back then.

Today I make new decisions and I realise that I can't compensate and balance pressure with pressure. That my body is looking for a new form of slowness and rhythm for me to discover. That a bike ride is at a completely different pace with one arm on the handlebars, very slow movement and lots of breaks and that it's not about reaching a destination. That I don't run from mountain peak to mountain peak in the mountains, but instead look at what I need every day and if it's nothing, just lie in the meadow and look at the clouds.

That's my favourite activity at the moment: lying on a meadow or a hammock and listening to the sounds and colours and moods and impulses Gaia has for me.

My pattern is to put pressure on myself in this context too and to keep going, I have had several impulses for further training in the last two weeks and realised that I need something else now. Stillness and slowness and real connection to Gaia and I feel sad now as I write this. I feel fear of not knowing what will happen and I feel joy to be more and more in touch with myself and the power of our earth.

The first few days I was between worlds ... no longer part of this powerful space that we created together and not yet fully present in my home again.

I gave myself time, gave my body time to re-sort itself. And it was more than just putting myself back together. It was also - as Christine Ploschenz described it - a dying, a burning in the fire of transformation. Parts, layers could come loose.

I am no longer who I was. I move through my day and I register things that were previously invisible, unconscious. I have changed my form so that these things - beliefs, behaviour, language - no longer fit me.

On Monday I feel pressure, combined with the idea - now I have to function again and at the weekend I can relax. What bullshit.

I make a conscious decision to do something. I don't burden it with the heaviness of "I have to".

While I'm doing it, I'm completely in the moment, stay in touch with myself and enjoy my breaks.

In the evening, I am amazed to realise how much I have created. Without pressure, without heaviness.

The old story - it's hard. If it wasn't hard, it's not worth it. ... - I let go. I am effective with joy and lightness.

Then I experience the recoil.

Doubts arise: That's naive. You won't change or achieve anything. The old world will catch you up and swallow you up. It's no good at all.

Confusion arises: What I experienced in the lab no longer seems true - I can't find the words to describe it and I seem to lose it again. The more I try to hold on to it, the more it slips away. It dissolves into the "old world", which has no expression for it because it doesn't exist there.

Dear woman of the earth. I am writing this because I don't want to give room to my doubts and confusion. I want something completely different than what is right now to be possible.

I am cavitating a new space in the "old world", in modern culture.

I am centred and grounded in my garden.

I decide in the now what my next step is.

I consciously choose my intensity and my pace.

I take radical responsibility for myself.

I have a team.

I call you. I meet you to be heard and to listen to you.

I hold the space for my fear with conscious anger.

I am present with all my feelings and celebrate life ... and I don't need a reason to do so.

I love you.

I'm burning the idea of that always someone is judging me, and just scanning for why I am not good enough.

I'm burning the pressure to constantly prove myself, prove to others that I'm worthy for their company.

I am burning my academic past, where I had to always be top of the class to financially survive and be appreciated.

I am burning being in competition with you other women.

I am burning the idea of not having a team. I have. I had all the time. And I was blocking myself the past months from seeing it.

I am celebrating your steps and how you put on the table where you are and make yourself visible. I feel you and am with you.

I love you team.

Today I went to the local supermarket to buy some cheese. The lady at the long counter was all alone and obviously stressed. When it was my turn she came to me and thanked me for my patience. We got to talking and she had obviously been bullied by her boss for not being fast enough serving the customers.

I invited her to take a deep breath, pause for a moment and get an awareness of her own kindness with which she is serving us all, and, most of all, to be aware of her worthiness as a woman with the strength to decide not to let the aggression of that man shake her center. Although the boss could be seen from afar, she visibly relaxed and we had a real heart to heart moment.

I felt sadness. And anger. And f*ing ALIVE with all these feelings while connecting to her as a sister.

I will not let you declare me a dangerous woman and turn me into a perpetrator.

I'll tell you clearly what I want and I want to hear what you want.

I don't expect you to agree with me, I'm open to hearing your perspec

I want you to make your own decision and take responsibility for it.

I want to co-create with you and for that I want you to be clear and responsible.

I want you to honestly share with me what you think and feel instead of making stories about me.

And I do the same for you.

I have learnt to enter reality and to be in a small now without concepts. I no longer have to fight - against myself, against you, against men.

I feel real love and appreciation for myself like never before.

And I love you, no matter what. I celebrate that I can see even more clearly what game is being played and that I can angrily tell you that I am not available for it. AND at the same time have a full YES to being in relationship with you and negotiating intimacy with you.

My commitment to you is greater than your commitment to your or my own survival strategies.

I feel joy about my clarity in connection with my capacity to receive, hold and give love.

I am burning away to do jobs, that no one does.

I am burning of to answer before I have an answer.

I am burning of to be nice.

I am burning of to speak before I have something to say.

I am burning of to be only centered grounded and bubbled in relation to GAIA.

I am centered, grounded and bubbled being with women now.

I am burning of to belong.

I am burning of to know it.

I burn for!

I am burning of what I should want!

I am burning of to avoid resting.

I am burning of old baggage.

I am burning of the self hate, the punishing myself.

I am burning of to shrink my life force away.

I am burning of the hiding to collude with the colonial patriarchal paradigm.

I am burning of wanting to belong anywhere else to other people than to GAIA in and of itself.

We need all of us back!

Trust is a decision especially trusting myself. Punishing myself as a white person does nothing for collective liberation. I am burning of to leak my energy to that.

I am burning of scarcity and holding on to resources because I am a source!Holding on to resources makes the scarcity. Makes it so the fear of not being or having enough is there.

We are only as well as the collective. We are only as well as our relationships!